Interview

…and you walk like a boy; so awkward in anything with a heel I predict

…and there seem to be more holes in your ears than necessary…that has to be addressed

…and you really have no worldly experience…no valid experience in anything come to think of it

…and what’s with that thing in your nose…that’s all wrong and must go…you look like a street musician or a starving artist…starving, well you have only yourself to blame

…oh, yes…and those, those inappropriately sized…well, um…breasts, if you will, that make an entrance before you…they must be concealed or bound for you to be taken seriously…consider consulting someone, a physician maybe

…come to think of it, all of you must be reworked to be taken seriously. 

…no one made it being themselves, and I doubt you will be the first. 

Let’s face it, I’ve seen works in progress, but you are just…well, you’re the equivalent of a Jackson Pollock, and the fact of the matter is, I’ve never liked his art…if you can even call it that…so, yes, you are a splitter, splatter mess of a human being, but there may be a small percent of you that has potential…You attended U of  P…Oh, never mind, you went to PSU…And you majored in English…starving artists indeed…and I see here that you minored in Women’s Studies…a minor that you didn’t have to work hard for, right?...

…your not one of those feminists are you?...You are, aren’t you?...Another strike against you

…and what’s this I see…seven years…it took you seven years to get a college education and graduate, and all you earned was a BA…you may want to reconsider ever working…I mean, this looks like a joke…maybe you could find your niche as a housewife, or a housekeeper, or a woman as big as a house with 90 cats

…I must say, you need to open your eyes and perk up your ears…what I’m telling you will help you…constructive criticism is the key to getting your butt in gear…to getting anyone like you to see the light, to see the truth

…take me for example, I earned my BA and BS at Princeton and earned my MA at Yale, I was everything prospective bosses wanted…and that’s how I got all my jobs…I know how to sell myself as a complete, desirable package…I married a man with the same career aspirations…he works just as hard as me, and puts in a ton more hours than I do…we don’t have kids, but we recently committed ourselves to a goldfish…we have a beach house that we get to maybe two or three weekends out of the year, but at least we have something to show for our hard work and success…when we retire we will spend quality time together…so you see, in order to be like me and have what I have, you must become me

…starting with that face…a stone cold stare will get you pink slips, not bonuses

…and those nails and your hair, and why aren’t you wearing makeup?…you will have to start making yourself look feminine…it helps when networking if you can exude a silent sexy aura, a well skilled flirtatiousness…I’m not saying that if you get the chance to sleep with a supervisor you should, but it doesn’t hurt…it could be the difference between a cubicle or a corner office…a beach rental or a beach home

…what?...you think your too good to do something like that, don’t you?...well all I can say is, that if you see that shiny brass ring…well, you have to reach for it, no matter who you have to…well, by the looks of you, you wouldn’t even get the offer…nor do you have to worry about sexual harassment…I mean who in their right mind would risk their position and income for you?

…so…I hope I could help you…unfortunately there is no place for you here, but if you take my advice, maybe you could get a job in food services, or you could try for a retail job…but you should start small, so as not to be disappointed by the levels of rejection that are surely going to come your way.  

…well…thanks for coming in…do you have any final questions for me?...or maybe you want to hear some final words of inspiration?

...Conformity is the new black.